Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Found This Hilarious on BC

Dear Dora,
I'm pregnant and I know my baby can hear, so I'll keep this clean. Dora, I watch you when I babysit my nieces and babysit in general. And a few things that worry me have come up. I will list them as follows:
I've been letting you into my home every Saturday and Sunday night, and I even DVR you by demand of the kids I regularly babysit. This has been going on since I discovered what a gold mine babysitting is, so about 2 years. Watching you 2 days (sometimes 3) a week times 52. Which means I see you a lot. At this point I feel like we're BFF's. So I think I can tell you something without getting you getting too offended.
You're getting on my nerves.
You're putting way too many demands on me. You keep yelling at me to STAND UP, STAND UP. And for god sake's woman, I'm pregnant, it takes me a while, so calm yourself and speak in a normal tone please. I just want to sit on the couch, do my homework, maybe go on Facebook, but you're yelling makes something so mindless as Facebook nearly impossible.
I appreciate that you can find volcanoes and everything on your own without bothering your parents about it. I like that kind of independence. However it does concern me that your parents let you and your cousins run wild around the rain forest with only a map to guide you. If you want to keep having these little adventures then I suggest investing a GPS. They're quite nice.
Perhaps your pushiness is a reaction to your parent's neglect. They obviously haven't taken you clothes shopping in a while. If you keep wearing that horrific belly shirt, you're going to be as skankkeous as Lindsay Lohan. I see that you're often left to forage around for you're own food: blueberries, chocolate, Big Red Chicken. What little you find, Swiper steals. It's quite sad really...
Is it possible that you're parents are out partying with Max and Ruby's parents? Because it would explain a lot.
I have a feeling that this also involves Caillou's parents too. They seem all too relaxed to deal with Caillou's constant whinning... Why hasn’t Caillou’s mom ever snapped, “For God’s sake, Caillou, maybe if you stop whining for five seconds I’d be able to think straight and figure out why you’re bald”? I’ll tell you why. It’s because she’s whacked out on Mommy’s Little Helpers.

Jeez, Dora, the more I think about it, the more worried I am about y’all. Ruby’s been on her own for years, taking care of Max, with only their tipsy grandmother peeking in once in a while. Max has a significant speech delay and doesn’t seem to be getting any Early Intervention services.
And who will take care of Caillou and Rosie? The mom is whacked out on tranquilizers and the dad is oblivious. Best-case scenario for Caillou is that someone hooks him up with a foster home and Locks of Love.

And you, Dora. You’re off gallivanting around the world being supervised by a monkey. It’s not good. So please, I beg of you, stop yelling at me, and I will help you.

P.S Do your parents know that you're parading with a monkey? Oh forget that, they probably don't considering that they're out clubbing with Caillou. Max & Ruby's parents...

Dear Wonderpets,
Thank you for taking the time to help nuture my daughters as they reached school-age. You guys are such a cute little trio, especially since Ming Ming's lisp is nearly identical to my YDD. I'll admit, you annoyed the piss out of me in the beginning, but you slowly won me over.
Kudos to you for reaching the point in our society that you inspired my MIL to undertake a huge waste of time and effort to find a ringtone for her cell phone. It is astounding how many children will run through a crowded store to find the source of the music going "The phone...The phone is ringing. The phone...We'll be right there!" It is seriously like she's the Pied Piper of all children between the age of 2-5. It's a good thing that no shady characters have caught on to this, or we would have trouble with how easily our children could be kidnapped.
That being said, I think it's time for you guys to grow up. Ming Ming needs speech therapy. Tuck is great at being sensitive with the animals you guys rescue, but I'm worried about what might happen to him as he grows up with all the bullying that goes on. He seems destined for swirlys and long timeouts in his locker if he doesn't "man up." And Linny is a walking encyclopedia who needs to relax or she's going to grow up to be a 30yr old virgin with 5 doctorates.
Donate the Flyboat to NASA. They need some design help and I think that they could use the Flyboat to turn their whole program around.
Please grow up before my new LO comes this yr. You have 2 yrs to get your lives in order before he will be able to watch up. If you're still around, drastic measures will be taken. I will find some sort of eco-bug capable of taking out all the celery in the world. Just sayin', you've been warned.